I find myself doing a lot of waiting lately. Waiting for a doctor’s appointment or a test/scan or test/scan results or to hear from a doctor’s office or for the pre-surgery or for having the port put in or for the first chemo. I try to stay in the now, but it’s hard. Even if my mind can deal with it, my body doesn’t do too well. I stay tense almost all of the time. I’m hoping for a breakthrough with that – soon! I even tense myself as I sleep and awake with muscles tight and that anxiety in my chest. I try to breathe into it, and again, I’m so grateful for my centering prayer/meditation practice because that’s what is the best for breathing into the moment and letting go of some of the tension. I’ve always been anxious, ever since I was a little girl. I know that’s a life lesson for me. To relax and trust the moment and that all shall be well – ultimately.
Today I get to add a good waiting, though. My sister is right now in route from New Hampshire where she lives with her husband and cat. She’ll be a real comfort for me. There’s something beyond words in the love that siblings can share. We grew up in the same household and with the same people and similar situations and can understand each other in ways that no one else can. Plus she’s much more organized than I am and can help me around the house, getting things ready for the days when I don’t feel as well. I’m very glad she’ll be here for the port surgery and first chemo treatment. She’s a real blessing to me.
Not all waiting is bad, is it? And truly, maybe life really doesn’t actually even have “waiting.” at least in the sense of good or bad. Each moment follows the previous, no matter whether I think I’m waiting or not. The key is to let go of expectation and be where and when and with whom I am. . . . now.