I thought I pretty much had as many “side effects” of chemo as I could have. But then I developed a sty in my right eye last night. That eye is almost swollen shut. So many places on my body hurt now. I feel a little like Job, except I haven’t lost everything and none of my friends are preaching at me. The medical people call these pains “side effects,” but I think that’s a misnomer. I think they are direct effects of putting high doses of poison in my body. The whole point of chemo is to kill fast-growing cells, and the cancer ones aren’t targeted. All fast-growing cells are affected.
Yes, I’m pretty miserable and am waiting (none too patiently) for the Neulasta shot to help get my bone marrow producing lots of white blood cells. It’s time for the cavalry to appear and help out with all of these pains and start getting some of these sore and raw places healed. I’m having trouble staying in the moment and feel myself tensing as if I think something’s about to jump on me. It already has, so I need to breathe into the pain and let go of the tension and be in this moment. Somehow the Now softens if I can be more aware and not just trying to escape pain.
I appreciate the prayers and good mojo that people have sent throughout my breast cancer journey, plus all of the other kind and compassionate and caring acts that have come from all directions. Although days like today are discouraging, I’m very hopeful that there will be few during which I feel this miserable.