I’m sitting here with tissue stuffed up my nose as I type. Nosebleeds have been an effect of this last chemo, and the unseasonably-high pollen count isn’t helping me out any. The weather guy just said that this very high tree pollen level is usually in April. So add the extra allergy symptoms to the chemo ones, and you have a very tired, miserable Krista. Even though I feel a bit better today, I still get tired just walking down the hall. It was all I could do yesterday to walk from the parking lot into the waiting room for my radiation-marking session. Luckily they weren’t ready for me right away so that I had a few minutes to sit and rest. I measure everywhere I have to walk, considering whether I can walk that far and whether I have a place to sit down and rest. It’s amazing how short a distance that is. Going up or down my stairs warrants a rest right away, as does brushing my teeth and washing my face. Taking a shower tires me out so much that I have to lie down. I’ll be very, very glad when I get some energy again.
I felt pretty out of it yesterday, so the radiation fitting and measuring was kind of surreal. I’m having to wear my glasses because I developed a sty last weekend when my white blood counts went so low. The counts are back up now, way up (the Neulasta shot did much more than it needed to), but I still have the sty, and I don’t see nearly as well with my glasses as with my contact lens. Add my supertiredness, and you had me walking around in a fog yesterday. My doc wasn’t there, but they needed a doc to get me to sign a release form (yep, the attorneys’ influences are everywhere), and he talked about several side effects that my doc hadn’t mentioned. That got me flustered, so when the nurse took me to a technician who was yet another stand-in for the one I’ll typically have, it was just about too much for me. It felt as if I was getting second-hand treatment, and I indicated as much. They were all very careful to explain everything and to try to assuage my concerns, but I did ask to meet with my doctor before I start the actual radiation next week.
The measuring and fitting were for a support that goes under my head and shoulders during the radiation. Then I took a ride into the CT machine to make sure I was lined up properly. They drew lines on me, actually crosses or plus marks, and I was so out of it that I can’t remember if they drew on me before, after, or both before and after the CT. Because I’m pretty claustrophobic, I went somewhere else in my mind while I was in the CT machine and had trouble coming back to pay attention to what they were doing. Anyhow, it’s weird to look in the mirror and see what look like Sharpie marks on my skin of four “corners” surrounding my left breast. I feel the need to try to wash them off, though of course the tech told me not to. I won’t, but I can’t promise the marks won’t sweat off. I also have hot flashes which have been exacerbated by chemo, and I get very sweaty – not a good environment for keeping the Sharpie marks.
Next week I’ll start the radiation itself. That should be on Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. Because I’m not over the chemo yet, I’m not looking forward to it. Well, I wouldn’t be looking forward to it even if I were, so I’m especially not looking forward to it because I’m feeling so weak. I still have swelling, a seroma, where my nodes were removed, and that area falls within the radiation area. How can that be a good situation? I don’t understand the process of injuring already-injured areas, but that’s exactly what has happened. I went straight into chemo nine days after surgery. Now I go straight into radiation three weeks after chemo, while I’m still feeling the effects, and will have a non-healed site radiated.
Yes, I’m being whiny. I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of dragging myself around, of looking at little chores that I need to do and putting them off until tomorrow, because maybe I’ll have the energy to do it tomorrow – and then feeling just as tired when tomorrow comes. I’m tired of trying to have a good attitude, to have a positive outlook. I’m tired of being strong and being tough. I’m just tired, really tired. Physically and mentally and emotionally. I think I must be sending out those weary vibes, because a few friends reached out and contacted me today – and that did help. People tell me that I’m close to the end, that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But what I see is six and a half more weeks of being tortured. That feels like forever. So here’s hoping I can find a reserve of strength, of energy, of positive attitude. Soon.