I Know More Than I Know

That’s a crazy statement, right?  I know more than I know.

But it’s true.

I woke up a week ago feeling anxious.

“What is this about?” I wondered.  “Nothing bad has happened.  Things have been going well.”

Then the realization hit me.

I’m at the second anniversary of my finding a lump in my breast.  I found it the Wednesday evening before Labor Day, got the biopsy that Friday, and had to wait through the three-day weekend to get the results.   I remember getting the news that I had breast cancer.  It was that Tuesday after Labor Day.   I remember sitting in my truck afterward thinking, “This is terrible and wonderful.”  And it was.  It was a difficult journey.  But I made it through and came out the other side.

Of course, the two-year mark means a mammogram coming up (in two weeks).  So I have the anxiety of  wondering what that will find.  My feeling is that I’m cancer-free, but I don’t completely trust that until the test results come in.  I still have a seroma, though now it’s hard and probably not drainable, and I wonder if I’ll need an MRI this time.  That’s a source of a little low-level anxiety, too.

But mainly I felt anxiety last week because I know more than I know.  I wasn’t consciously thinking of the anniversary, but my body and my psyche knew.  I think we’re all like that.  On some deep level we recall anniversaries – both good and bad – even if our conscious minds don’t.  The angle of the sun, the temperatures, the seasonal activities – these all are markers, and our bodies and psyches respond to them to say, “Hey, remember when . . . ”

To honor my anniversary and this significant marker in my life’s journey, I decided to look back through old journals.  To acknowledge who I was and who I am now.  I’ve kept a journal for at least a couple of decades.  I looked back through the last nine years of my journaling.  After reading some of the entries from 2004 and 2005 (a particularly hard time), I felt I was reading about a different person.  I was somewhat the same, but I was very different in many ways.  I can see that I’ve grown a great deal since then.

The cancer journey, another particularly hard time, pushed me through the most growth of all.  I still can’t quite grasp al that I’ve learned in the past two years, but I feel different, like a new person in many ways.  I’ve been writing lately about realignment and reframing, but I also need to add a new “re-” term.

Resurrection.

I do feel that a part of me has died in the past couple of years and a new aspect of me is being born.  Or was reborn that day in the labyrinth, and I’m now in the early part of a new life.  I’m learning to crawl and then toddle around – as a new person.

So even though this weekend was one of memories of the beginning two years ago of a difficult time, it’s also a time of gratitude and rejoicing.  I’m a healthy person surrounded by loving friends and family, blessed in more ways than I can name.

I’m on a life’s journey of growth and pruning and regrowth – just as everyone else is, too.

And we’re all wise, much wiser than we know.  We all know more than we know.

And that’s a blessing.  For each of us.

Peacock at Sequoyah Caverns (of which today happens to be its last day of tours because the attraction is closing)

 

 

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One thought on “I Know More Than I Know

  1. Well said, Krista. Amazing isn’t it how our bodies know? It helps me imagine how it would be to live in the olden days just by the light and the seasons…….Thank you, as always for writing, Margaret

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